Konichiwa minna..!
Seperti posting-an saya sebelumnya, tulisan saya kali ini pun tercipta karena saya mendengar sebuah lagu. Jika sebelumnya lagu yang saya dengar membuat saya ingin menulis tentang teman-teman saya, lagu kali ini membuat saya ingin menulis tentang sesuatu yang norak bin ajaib, C.I.N.T.A! Oke, di bagian ini saya sebenarnya sudah merasa geli.
Saya gak bakal ngasih kalian kuliah singkat tentang definisi cinta atau apa, saya cuma mau curcol sedikit. :D … Mungkin kata cinta itu terkadang terdengar menggelikan, tapi cerita saya ini tidak menggelikan sama sekali.
Well, well, well. The song I listened, which pushed me to type this post, entitled “Worrying Permanently” by My First Impression (MFI) — band indie asal Jambi yang keren banget *promosi*. Ceritanya tentang seseorang yang ditinggal pacarnya dan jadi sedih luar biasa; si orang ini mohon-mohon supaya si pacar gak ninggalin dia dan berharap waktu bisa muter balik. Yahh, gitu lah intinya, more or less.
What I heard from my ex-boyfriend, yang adalah sahabat dari makhluk Tuhan yang bikin lagu ini (Rizky Muhammad Bagawie, guitarist-nya MFI), lagu ini tentang saya dan dia. My ex-boyfriend is “si pacar” and I am “dia yang ditinggalkan” or just call it as DYD. Lagu itu tercipta beberapa saat setelah kami putus di awal 2010.
That’s not the point of this post, yang mau saya bilang adalah dengan anehnya lagu itu menjadi semacam kutukan bagi saya. Di lagu itu, si DYD gak bisa berhenti khawatir dan terus-menerus dilanda rasa cemas; dan memang benar itu lah yang saya rasakan. Bahkan setelah saya dan mantan saya balikan lagi dua bulan setelah kami putus, saya tidak pernah bisa berhenti khawatir. Sampe-sampe saya jadi makhluk paling menyebalkan sedunia yang kerjanya marah-marah dan nangis karena hal sepele. I acted like a freak (well, I am a freak), a drama queen. Ha ha ha, agak lucu ya? *krik krik krik*
Otak saya terus berpikir bahwa dia tidak pernah mencintai saya (kedengarannya norak banget) dan suatu waktu akan meninggalkan saya lagi. Selama balikan, saya selalu berusaha meyakinkan diri saya untuk percaya, bahwa apa yang dulu pernah dia lakukan kepada saya di awal 2010 itu tidak akan pernah terjadi lagi.
Well, manusia tidak pernah luput dari kesalahan; begitu pun saya dan dia. Ternyata apa yang selalu saya takutkan menjadi kenyataan, di awal 2011 kami pun kembali berpisah. Just simply because dia gak tahan dengan kelakuan buruk saya, dia udah bosan pacaran sama saya, dan dia udah gak sayang lagi sama saya. Okay, those are actually not simple at all.
Anyway, lagu itu nyata dan dengan sangat benar merepresentasikan apa yang saya rasa; juga apa yang terjadi pada saya. Jujur saya agak ngeri sih, hahaha. Semoga itu cuma perasaan saya aja. Saya gak mau tuh stuck di satu orang yang sama, yang jelas-jelas udah gak peduli sama saya lagi. :) Know what? I’m in the process to change the “ing” into “ed”, so I can start my sentence with “I used to” and laughing at my stupidity when telling my story to others in the future. Good to know it’s working, slowly but sure.
Oh ya? Mumpung lagi bernorak-norak ria, saya mau nyampein beberapa patah kata (ahheeyy!) buat mantan saya.
For you whom I used to call honey…
As always, I’ll start this with “thank you”. Thank you for every single thing you gave me, for the love, for the joy, for the tears, for the laugh, for the memories, for the songs, for the hurt, for the time, for the hug. Well for the kisses, too… Thank you, it was a great pleasure to be with you once; perhaps twice. I’ve got my second chance and I didn’t use it well. I’m sorry for hurting you and for making you hate me. Sorry for breaking the promises I once made, sorry for putting you in such a misery for your life, sorry for all of the disappointments. I’m sorry, just sorry for everything.
I used to dream about us, being husband and wife (I hope this is not really gross to be read, or is it? :p) and living the life as one; supporting each other to pursue our goals. Then again, it was just a dream anyway.
I was wrong, but you weren’t right. None of us right, so please….. Please don’t put the blame on me only. Please do, try to put yourself in my shoes. So you could understand exactly what I feel. If you refuse to, I won’t push you to. I’ll just pray to God that someday, you’ll wear the same shoes that I wear now, which soon to be “wore”. :)
You’re the first guy (not counting my Dad) who taught me the real meaning of the word love. I never regret the time I spent with you; I just regret the fact that I didn’t use it wisely, and you could never understand every step I took when we were still together. You could never understand me and what I wanted anyway.
Thank you and sorry for everything…
I am an annoying-egoist-rude-cynical-bitch, and you are an annoying-heartless-irresponsible-insensitive-male-whore. We’re just as bad as each other, and just like what Captain Jack Sparrow said in the movie “Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s end” (which is one of my favorites movie of all time): “Cruel is just the matter of perception.”
This one sentence — which is said by both Captain Jack Sparrow and Elizabeth Swann — also really fits our condition, “It would never have worked out between us.”
Yet, one thing you should know that I enjoy the feeling of loving you. I never lie about that.
Nanun tangsinur chinsimuro saranghapnita, I hope you still remember that sentence which I told you for like forever (then, but not now hahaha). It has the same meaning with this one, “kokoro kara kimi no koto wo aishiteiru.” In case you forgot already, hehe.
Should I mention your name? Oh, no I won’t.. LOL!
So goodbye to you there… :)
Arigatou for reading this… :D
Ps. Bukannya sok English, I just don’t wanna be too obvious… :p
Oh ya, happy villaintime everyone! :D
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